I didn't always feel being alone was better (the sentiments which I expressed in my previous post). In fact, in the past when a person penetrated the wall built around my heart (a battle), I did all that was within my power to keep that relationship afloat. And while that is not in and of itself a bad thing, I often did it at the expense of keeping myself afloat. Before I go further, understand that I stand firmly behind my previous post, but, at the risk of sounding contradictory, I think we must strive for a balance. On one hand, I definitely believe that having and keeping supportive and loving people in your life as a foster youth is important, but on the other hand, I think it is just as, if not more important, to keep yourself as a top priority because otherwise what kind of friend, girlfriend, boyfriend, foster/adopted child can you expect to be if you are not the best you that you can be. And as always, I think this is especially important during the precious years when you are preparing for and going through your emancipation.
Lets take me for example; can you believe I had an eight-year relationship starting at age 13? From the time we started dating, there was always more to our relationship than your normal little kid puppy love. I suppose what started my dependence on him was the fact that this was the first time (in my young eyes) that someone had picked me without receiving anything in return or without obligation to do so. As you can imagine, I opened my heart, immersed myself into this person and became totally dependant, emotionally that is, on him. Thinking back, I believe that I was very selfish to us both.
I was selfish to him because I was putting way more on him than another teenager should have to deal with. We were both going through that awkward teen stage while dealing with the struggles that come along with growing up black in the inner city. Yet, while I easily understood his growing struggles, the same could not be said for him. I was growing up a foster youth and this factor added a different set of struggles that he simply could not understand, including but not limited to: constant depression (which a lot of us suffer from), fear of being alone, abandonment issues, control issues, and oversensitivity just to name a few. These issues were way too much to put on this young guy…and unfortunately what started out as a teenage crush probably turned into years of hell for him. Well let’s hope not. :o)
More important than that however is the fact that during those eight years I put so much energy into keeping that relationship afloat that I didn’t put much time into myself. Despite the fact that we had long since began to grow up and grow apart, I fought to keep us together because I was determined to both turn that relationship into the family that I thought I never had and to prove that there was nothing wrong with me (as was my previous answer to why I was continuously abandoned and abused). This may sound like standard behavior for a young girl in love, but for those of us who are facing an impending emancipation…that time (age 14 on up), the choices we make, the relationships we cultivate, and the love and time we give to self are integral to our future.
Unfortunately, when that relationship ended (I was about 22) all those deep-rooted issues that were ever present in my life - but never worked on - all came to the surface full force. Not only did I have to spend the next few years mourning that lost, I had to work overtime to gain control over my life because I was stuck for a while. And I do mean stuck - I was literally sitting doing nothing on my momma's couch for months. I realized then (after my mom spoke some sense into me) where I had gone wrong - all of my plans revolved around him, I didn’t make a move in life without consulting or considering him, I relied on him to feel good about myself, I relied on him to soothe the constant pain in my heart, and I relied on him for love because my love for me was shaky. As a result, those years following our break up, I had to learn simple things like how to trust my instincts and myself, how to feel good about myself (instead of relying on his perception of me), how to be with myself, and most importantly how to be happy with loving and living for myself. All in all, this meant that I had to take a few steps back and do what I should have been doing all along – taking care of me.
Taking care of me meant I had to get the mental help that I needed to come to terms with all that I had went through as a child. It meant that I had to think about my own future, where I wanted it to go, and how I would make it happen. It meant that I had to work on the relationships that I should have been cultivating all along – for example I had to go back and reexamine/reestablish my relationships with my foster mom and best friend because I had for so long put them to the rear. Taking care of me also meant that I had to do little things like daily affirmations to continuously put in my own mind that I was worth it. What is “it” you ask…it is “love [from self and others],” “living,” “success,” “good health,” “education,” “a real family,” etc. I think you get the point.
While I do not regret any of the time I spent with this person, I do regret all the time I didn’t spend with myself and all the time I lost with my foster mom and friends. And I think you can see where a lot of my sentiments from the previous post stem from (i.e., why I find it hard getting close to people). But, while I am indeed working on opening my heart to others, I have found it highly important, for both myself and others, to first and foremost work on me, love me, and take time for me.
With that, please remember to take the time for you because you are worth “it” too.
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