Life For Me Ain't Been No Crystal Stair.

My best buddy reminded me of a video that I produced back in college. She, myself and two other close friends were all in a documentary-making course and our first assignment was to produce a short documentary about our life. I think I forgot about this video because I remember that point in my life being one of the first times that I truly felt sorry for myself. I remember sitting in one of our dorm rooms talking about our storyboards - the story we were going to portray on video - and of course my friends were talking about all the memories and mementoes and pictures that they were going to gather - you know all those things that helped to make them who they were (i.e., things from their childhood, about their families, about their heritage, their early life experiences, experiences in other countries, and so on and so forth). And here I was, quietly listening while trying - unsuccessfully - to conjure up something from my childhood that I could share, but unfortunately, there were no mementoes, no pictures, and definitely no memories worth sharing. Let's just say that anything I would have brought up would have been a complete downer to the, then, jovial mood. So I went back to my room and cried because it sucked to me that I didn’t have any happy childhood memories, that I didn’t know my mother or father, and that I didn’t even know how I looked as a baby because I had no picture to show me.

This was one of the very first times that I remember questioning who I really was – because if I didn’t have anyone, anyplace, or anything to identify with – then who was I. I didn’t grow up an army kid, I wasn’t from Kenya, and I hadn’t traveled all over the world - so what was there in life that I could identify with?  And don’t think I have an answer to that question, because I don’t.  And quite frankly, that question still haunts me some days.  Yep, I wish I knew who my grandparents were and where they were from.  I wish I knew my father’s name and what he looked like.  I wish I could explore my family history and heritage.  But unfortunately that wasn’t in the cards for me – and I was left producing a story about the thing I knew best – a hard knock life.  Okay okay, I wouldn’t actually say it like that, but I think it resonates better that way.

My video (I would post it but I don’t know where it is) started out winding up a crystal staircase with classical music (Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata) playing in the background.  It continued going through different styles of staircases - some wooden, some steel, some broken, etc, etc, etc.  While the different staircases were featured, the following poem was displayed line by line.

Mother to Son

By Langston Hughes

Well, son, I'll tell you:

Life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

It's had tacks in it,

And splinters,

And boards torn up,

And places with no carpet on the floor—

Bare.

But all the time

I'se been a-climbin' on,

And reachin' landin's,

And turnin' corners,

And sometimes goin' in the dark

Where there ain't been no light.

So, boy, don't you turn back.

Don't you set down on the steps.

'Cause you finds it's kinder hard.

Don't you fall now—

For I'se still goin', honey,

I'se still climbin',

And life for me ain't been no crystal stair.

I absolutely love this poem – it resonated with me then and still resonates with me today.  Every time I read it, I hear the mother talking directly to me. I imagine her saying something like…

Well, Daughter

stop your worrying,

look at me,

I too have had a hard life,

a life that in a lot of ways was much harder than yours,

I too have seen heartache, pain, abandonment, discrimination, darkness, twist and turns,

but through it all, I’ve continued to climb the staircase that was laid for me to climb,

yes they were the splintered, torn up, tacked, bare, and non-crystal stairs,

but Daughter you are just as strong

so I know you can climb and climb and climb even higher than I.

Okay, so I’m no poet in the least bit…but you get my drift.  My life sure hasn’t been no crystal stair, but I took to heart when the mother said, “don’t you set down on the steps ‘cause you finds it’s kinder hard.”  I guess you can say that I took that line as a challenge, and despite what I’ve been faced with, I am still to this day climbing.  And to be quite honest, as I look back over my life, I realize it must a blessing in disguise that my life hasn’t been a crystal stair, because I know there is no way crystal stairs could've carried me as far as I've climbed today.  Yep, I definitely appreciate having the strong, tried and true stairs to withstand me and all the inner strength I must have to continue climbing despite it all...let's just say those crystal stairs would have surely shattered underneath all my strength by now.